A NEW LITERARY INVENTION.
It is extremely disagreeable to a conscientious person to be found out in a falsehood. For this reason Mr. Punch, who is excessively conscientious, hails with delight a recent improvement in the letter-writing department of life.
Out of ten letters which one receives, about two are of a kind which it is a pleasure, four a duty, and the rest a simple bore, to answer. One’s habit of course, therefore, is to answer the first, and perhaps one or two of the others, at once, but to postpone and neglect the mass. Then, when it becomes an actual necessity to write, one is bothered to begin with a neat falsehood by way of excuse, or to choose among the half-dozen falsehoods that naturally occur to the elegant mind. And another thing is, that there is the probability of sending contradictory falsehoods to people who are likely to meet one another. It is a bore to find that you have written to a man that you have been in Paris for three weeks, and to his brother that you have been laid up for a month in chambers with gout, and that the two have compared your notes at the table of their father, to whom you have intimated that a domestic affliction has detained you at Brighton.
Mr. Punch has, therefore, received with pleasure, from an enterprising engraver, whose invention he commends to the notice of Messrs. Pheasant&Uncles, of Gherkins&Grotto, or some other of the great stationary firms, a device for saving a good deal of time and perplexity in the respect alluded to, Everybody’s note paper is already engraved with his address, and (except in the case of idiots) with Mr. Rowland Hill’s district initial. The ingenious party who has sent to Mr. Punch goes a little further, and actually begins the Letter of Excuse for you. Here are some of the specimens:-
No.1.
“My dear –, “Highbury Terrace, N.
“You will be quite sure that your kind letter would have received an earlier reply, but for accident. Misdirected, it had been taken to [Inverness,] and has reached my hands this morning only. Let me hasten to say that
No.2.
“Dear Mr. –, “Isleworth, W.
“Instantly on the receipt pf your letter of the 19th, I replied to it at considerable length. Judge my surprise to find my reply upon my dressing-room table this morning. It was discovered by my wife in a drawer in the nursery. I suppose that it must have been secreted by one of the children, and forgotten by the servant. I deeply regret the delay, and hurry off a line to say that
No.3.
“My dear Aunt, “Eltham, S.E.
“I felt so overcome at hearing from you of the demise of our dear cousin in Australia, (and as I had not heard of him for eleven years the shock was so much the greater and more unexpected) that I was totally unable to reply to your letter of about six weeks back. But now that time has calmed down my feelings, let me express
No.4.
“My dear Wife, “Ratcliffe Highway, E.
“Your letter would have been answered immediately, but in consequence of your having so obstinately set yourself against having a hole cut in the street door, the epistle was retained until the morning delivery, when I had gone out of town on business, which kept me at Melton Mowbray for three weeks. I will endeavour to send
No.5.
“Dear – “Pimlico, S.W.
“I answered your letter the same day that I received it, and posted the letter with my own hand. Therefore, if you have had an action brought against you, it is no fault of mine. The post office I distinctly remember was in [ ]* However, let me saw that
No.6.
“Dear Sister Matilda, “Strand, W.C.
“Having sprained my wrist in saving the life of a fellow-creature, I was unable to write to you, and your letter was one to which I could reply by amanuensis. I now take up my pen
No.7.
“My Dear Father, “Lord’s Cricket Ground, N.W.
“Removing from a shelf some old books, for reference, the dust flew into my eyes, and produced an inflammation which has prevented my writing for some weeks, but I am now able to resume my usual habits. Thank you for
No.8.
“Dearest- “Danes’ Inn, W.C.
“Is it possible? You, whose least wish should command lightning-like attention from me. You unanswered! Believe it not. I replied to your letter on the instant, and as our posts are uncertain, entrusted my reply to a friend to post in a pillar letter-box. He has failed, and dies by my hand. Believe me, dearest, that
No.9.
“Reverend Sir, “Old Kent Road, S.
“Newton had his Diamond, who threw down the candle and burned the great Isaac’s papers. My youngest child, a diamond, too, in her way, clandestinely kindled a Vesta match, and dropped it on my desk, about a fortnight ago. Many papers were destroyed, and your letter among them; and as I had not your address elsewhere, I could not write. Now that I know it, I hasten to
No.10.
“My Dear Madam,+ “Brompton, S.W.
“I have received no letter whatever from you, or should have instantly replied, according to my invariable habit; fro want of system in answering letters leads to want of system in everything else, and then all goes to sixes and sevens. I never sleep without replying to all letters received during the day. Assuring you that nothing of yours has reached my hands, I
No.11.
“Dear Cousin, “Welbeck Street, W.
“How can I excuse my delay? The fact is that, while reading your letter, I was called off to a patient, by whose couch (the case being very difficult) I sat for three weeks without any other food than a peppermint lozenge; and during that anxious vigil your letter escaped my memory. I now reply that
No.12.
“Dear Sir, “War Office, S.W.
“I duly received your letter, but up to the present time was unable to read it, owing to your writing such an abominably undecipherable hand. But I now gather from a word here and there that you want some money, and I beg to inform you that
Mr. Punch cannot find room for more specimens, but the nature of this commodious invention is now clear. Separate pigeon-holes must be kept for the different forms, and if a writer makes a memorandum of the number of the form he has used and the person to whom he sends it, every one of the above excuses, and twenty more, may be sent to each of his correspondents. Before the stock is exhausted, parties will have left off writing to him. Any communications for the inventor may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, and Mr. Punch, not being a government official, will not hinder the poor man from carrying out his idea, and not being a British manufacturer, will not steal the invention and cheat the discoverer.
*Fill up with any place, for even if inquiries are made, the result will only be the same that always occurs when a letter has been written and lost – nobody knows anything about it.
+Be sure to burn the letter you say you did not receive, for woman’s eyes are sharp, and if you leave it about she calls and sees it, there is another bore.
—
Papa Posed.- A youthful prodigy asked the “author of his being” the other day, whether “as it been used for such a long time, bad language would not soon be worn out?”
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