COMIC CHRONOLOGY.
A TABLE SHOWING THE ANTIQUITY OF JOKES.
B.C.999. The Sphinx invents the riddle “When’s a door not a door?” Upwards of ten thousand lives are lost through inability to answer it.
B.C.900. Archimedes asks Solon, “Where was the first nail hit?” Whereto Solon shows his wisdom by replying, “On the head.”
B.C.878. Nero, on the point of setting fire to Rome, observes that he intends to “throw a light upon his subjects.”
B.C.850. At a supper party given at the house of Areopagus, the first attempts are made to pun on “tongue” and “trifle.”
B.C. 800. Sophocles, while taking his usual “constitutional,” is accosted by a wag who asks him, “Pray what makes more noise than a pig under a gate?” Socrates spends upwards of ten minutes in reflection, and then replies he doesn’t know, unless it be a “babby.”
B.C.799. The joke of “Who stole the donkey?” is introduced by Hector, on observing that Achilles has come out in a white helmet.
B.C.777. Quintus Curtius, preparing to plunge into the chasm, remarks, that though it looks like a good opening for a young man, he has very little doubt that he’ll be taken in and done for.
B.C.690. Xantippe, meeting Socrates at an evening party, astonishes the sage by inquiring in a whisper, “Has your mother sold her mangle?”
B.C.681. Julius Caesar invents the celebrated riddle, “What smells most in a doctor’s shop?” To which Scipio Africanus makes reply, “I Nose!”
B.C. 655. Epaminondas is accosted by a small boy in the Forum, who asks him, “Why a miller wears a white hat?” Epaminondas being nonplussed is compelled to give it up; whereat the small boy grins and says, “It’s ‘cos he wants to keep his head warm.”
B.C.568. At a Civil Service Examination for the government of Athens, Euclid first propounds the problem, “If a herring and a half can be bought for three halfpence, how many can be purchased for eleven pence?” Nineteen candidates are plucked through incapacity to solve it.
B.C.500. The comic observation that “Here we are again!” is introduced by Caesar’s ghost at the meeting at Philippi.
B.C.456. Romulus, inventor of the riddle, asketh Remus, “Where was Moses when the candle went out?” Remus makes reply that he was in his skin, and adds that when Moses jumped out he (Romulus) might jump in.
B.C.444. At the wedding of Thucydides with Helen of Troy, the conundrum is first asked, “Why do we all go to bed?” Eleven of the dozen bridesmaids go off into hysterics, on being told that, “It’s because the bed won’t come to us!”
B.C.303. Diogenes, while dancing λά Πόλκα with Antigone, in a lull of conversation cries out, “Pray, Miss, who’s your hatter?”
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