PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, February 6. Demosthenes (who was the son of a cabinet-maker of the same name, by his wife, née Cleobule Gylon, whose papa was an objectionable kind of Governor, insomuch as he sold the colony he ought to have governed to the Scythians, and made a Scythian lady the grand-mamma of the said Demosthenes) was once going to deliver a very important speech. But a party against whose interest that speech was to be directed, sent our eloquent friend a golden gift. Whereby, when the oration should have been made, Demosthenes appeared with his throat wrapped up in no end of woollens and comforters, and intimated that he had no voice. Mr. Punch at the time made a Greek joke, which is wholly untranslateable into British. He is reminded of the circumstance by the fact that to-night an orator quite as eloquent as Demosthenes, and in every way a superior character, was to have delivered a grand Financial Harangue; but, having lost his voice, was unable to do so, the accident causing great detriment to the country. In other respects, there is not the slightest parallel between the cases, but a Scholar and a Gentleman is not to be prevented from displaying his classical erudition by a trifle of that kind, and Mr. Punch is quite sure that his accomplished friend, the Chancellor of the Exchequer will agree with him, and if he does not, Mr. Punch doesn’t care in the slightest degree.

Disappointed of the Budget, and of the particulars of the Cobden Treaty, which however His Majesty the Elected sent to a Belgic paper, and its principal points were published to the world this very evening, Parliament sat for a couple of hours only. By the Constitution of England, measures are discussed,

“Up-stairs, Down-stairs, and in My Lady’s Chamber,”

a line hitherto mystical, but now explained by Mr. Punch to be a dark allusion to Lords, Commons, and Her Majesty. Up-stairs, to-night, or rather, before dinner, nothing was done, but Lord Brougham expressed his hopes that the jurisdiction of the County Courts will be increased to cognisance of claims of all sizes. Really, this proposal requires consideration. The County Courts answer their present purpose very well, that is to say a tradesman has only to bring an action against a person not in trade, and the judge instantly orders the latter to pay; or is he is foolish enough to demand a jury, the jurors, also traders, immediately and indignantly return a verdict for their fellow-craftsmen, usually appending a recommendation that the defendant, as soon as he has paid, shall be hanged, for having dared to dispute a bill. But this would scarcely do in some cases. Suppose the Earl of Shrewsbury, for instance, who has recently recovered his splendid estates, should be attacked by some new claimant, say Mr. Punch (not that he proposes that course) and be sued for £200,000 of rents, in a County Court. The judge’s “Now than, Talbot, how do you want to pay this? Half to-morrow, and the rest on Tuesday week, eh? Or will you be locked up?” would sound a little peremptory under the circumstances. Earl de Grey and Ripon, Sidney Herbert’s sub., paid a high compliment to the Volunteers, but declined a further payment rather sillily asked by Lord Vivian, namely, that of their tailor’s bills. Lord Donoughmore wanted to know whether the Belgian account of the Treaty was correct, to which Lord Granville made the inconceivably absurd answer, that not being a subscriber to the Indépendance Belge he could not say. As if everybody had not read the translation in the English evening papers. The Lords were so disgusted with his flippancy that they left the House at a quarter to six o’clock.*

Down-stairs, Lord Palmerston announced Mr. Gladstone’s illness, and postponed the Budget till Friday. Mr. Disraeli expressed his sorrow, and wanted the Treaty d’avance. Lord Palmerston wished he might get it. Mr. Byng complained of the outrages in St. George’s-in-the-Yeast; and Sir G. C. Lewis complained that such trifling theological protests as breaking altar-rails, shooting peas, and shying Prayer-books, should be called outrages, said he had done all he meant to do in the matter, and blew up the Reverend Bryan King, Incumbent. Both parties deserve a severe whacking, – the rioters from the bâtons of the Police, and the Reverend Bryan from the hard end of the crozier of Bishop Tait. As the Archbishop of Dublin says -

“Bryan O’King has no business to wear
Ridiculous garments in preaching or prayer:
What’s prose he should read, and what’s versa he should sing,
But he’s Popish at bottom, is Bryan O’King.”

Tuesday. Up-stairs, this same subject was brought up by Lord Derby, who pitched manfully into the Puseyites, but protested against a mob being left to enforce Church Discipline. Lord Granville hoped that the Puseyites would take warning from the great Church-Champion, Lord Derby, and added that the Police had orders to do their best. Lord Brougham said he had no “right to say that his Brother was wrong, who thought it right to make certain changes of posture at certain periods,” – which was fair, as his Lordship changes his about eleven hundred and thirty-three times in five-and-twenty minutes, – but he called on the Bishop to shut up the Church. The Bishop thought that the rioting might be stopped by Police convictions, and that he could then settle the differences between the parties who have theological convictions. That effete old party, the Marquis of Normanby, then went into the Savoy and Nice Annexation question, and Lord Granville stated that he was assured that Sardinia had no intention of handing either over to France. Lord Grey thought (with Lord Punch) that the conduct of the Elected on the subject was highly unsatisfactory; and Lord Shaftesbury came out with a straightforward and spirited protest against the annexation. The Earl’s language was so earnest that it quite frightened the poor Duke of Newcastle, who bleated piteously against such a tone, – it was all very well for an Earl, with convictions of tight and wrong, to be fervid about children’s destitution, or education, or over-work, or any other trifling matter in which over-zeal could do no mischief, but that really was not the way to talk when diplomatic considerations came up. Lord Brougham did not seem to share this feeling, for he said that the proposed annexation, if not the voluntary act of the people, would be “atrocious;” and Lord Derby spoke eloquently, and at our friend Electus, upon the extreme propriety of his trying to establish a character for honesty and pacific intentions. The Constantinople Pet, who has so often floored a Gallic Champion,- need we name Lord Stratford de Therapia, – added his voice on the same side; and, in fact, Up-stairs did its duty by a Debate of Protest, – a very desirable sermon to the Victor of Sardinia and the Victor of Solferino upon the Hebrew text, “Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour’s land-mark.”

Down-stairs, Lord John Russell made an important statement. He had been making proposals for the final settlement of the Italian question. Dramatised, and with the replies, they went thus:-

Lord John. Louis and Francis, you shall neither of you interfere by force, without leave from the five other Powers.

Louis. Very well.

Francis. I am the Lord’s Anointed, and I shall not demean myself by any engagement of non-interference.

Lord John. You, Louis, take your soldiers out of Rome and Lombardy.

Louis. With pleasure – when quite convenient to me.

Lord John. Nobody at all shall interfere with you, Francis, about Venetia.

Louis. Very right, too.

Francis. You are highly obliging, but I am quite competent to defend myself there.

Lord John. Victor Emmanuel is not to send any troops into Central Italy until she has decided on her own future; but if she decides to be annexed to Sardinia, she may, and then he can do as he likes.

Louis. I must speak privately to you, Francis, about this. (They converse apart.)

Francis. I repeat that I shall make no promise, and I will see Victor blowed before I recognise his doings, but I have no intention of sending any soldiers outside my own property.

Louis. I hope that we shall settle everything charmingly, mes amis.

Lord John. I’m sure I hope so.

Francis. Humph!

Then Lord John Manners endeavoured to introduce a Bill for closing the door of the Dicorce Court against audiences, and the House of Commons closed its own doors against his Bill by 268 to 83. The proposal was eminently spooney. Denial of the right of the Press to publish reports of the proceedings in any law court is out of the question, and therefore the merely shutting out the handful of disreputable people who crowd into the little den to listen to what does not concern them would be foolish. At the same time it behoves the Press to publish only what is necessary to the comprehension of a divorce case and of the principle on which it is decided. With which dictum Mr. Punch gladly dismisses an unsavoury subject.

The Quakers are dying out, and desire to form alliance with the world that turns down its coat-collars. They ask for legalisation of Quaker marriages where one victim is not a Quaker. We presume that in such unions compromises will be made on the subject of grammar, and when Reuben asks Rosa-Matilda, “Art thee going out?” the fair worldling will reply, “Yes, I air.”

Wednesday. The Church of England was utterly and finally destroyed, Sir John Trelawney’s Bill for the abolition of the forcible collection of about a quarter of a million of her income being carried by the (diminished) majority of 263 to 234. To be sure she has a million and a half of voluntarily subscribed income beside, and may have almost as much as she likes for the mere asking civilly, but what’s the pleasure in money one has given to one – one likes to grab money as matter of right.

Thursday. Up-stairs, another blow was dealt at the persecuted Church, by the second reading of a Bill for enabling Dissenters to send their children to Endowed Schools, and for legally qualifying those dreadful schismatics to be Trustees thereof. The Bishops made no resistance. We have fallen upon evil times. Perhaps the Dissenters will put down Virgil and Horace, and insist on sixth forms being up in “Can you tell me, child,” &c. And what will become of Plautus and Terence, writers of vile stage-plays? What are the Bishops about? Down-stairs, Sir F. Kelly introduced a thunderingly terrible and utterly useless Bribery Bill. The only sensible thing what was said was the condemnation by Mr. Malins of attorneys for taking retainers, that is bribes, in elections. He might go a little further. Every attorney is a sworn official of one of the Queen’s Law Courts, and every solicitor is a sworn official of the Court of Chancery, and it is most unconstitutional as well as indecent for these persons to interfere in elections. If good were intended, Kelly would introduce a clause making any attorney or solicitor who should take part in an election liable ipso facto to be struck off the Rolls. But the attorney-power in the House is far too strong for any such salutary measure to pass. Tom Duncombe then proposed to let the ballot be tried in the next elections for Gloucester and Wakefield, but this was refused by the (small) majority of 149 to 118.

Friday. Up-stairs, the Lords made short work of it, being eager to come Down-stairs and hear the Budget. A brief Conversazione, as Mr. Disraeli elegantly calls the Friday evening questioning, having taken his, amid loud cheers from all sides of the House, the latter went into Committee, and received.

* We have received a note from our friend the Lord Chancellor, apologising for not having expressed himself more plainly on bringing in the Criminal Consolidation Bills. He made Mr. Punch believe that the law of Conspiracy to Murder was to be made as light for Ireland as it is for England. John Campbell says that on the contrary, it is to be made as heavy for England as it is for Ireland. We are glad to heat it, and entirely forgive him for our having misunderstood him, and drink his health, and if it is his birthday, wish him many happy returns of the day – also if it isn’t. Why does he not call oftener?

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