The Queen.
Great Peers of England, pillars of the State,
And you, whom I mat also call its piers
(Excuse the jest), because you do support it,
Right glad am I to meet you once again,
And ask for you assistance and advice,
Not being in the slightest need of either.
With all Ten Tea-Pots (’tis an anagram
Culled from the Boy’s Own Book, and, analysed,
Makes Potentates) I’m on the happiest terms-
“Footing” I see is writ, but that is Walker,
And if my Ministers had studied Walker,
Or sturdy Johnson, or fastidious Murray,
Or even the Yankee lexicographer,
Noah Webster, such research perchance had taught
A better style, to set before their Queen.
Their grammar’s like the scrambling messages
By telegraphs – I call it Telegrammar.
In August last I told you I’d been asked
To send my envoy to the general Congress
That was to settle the Italian questions
More formally I’ve been invited since,
And I have said I’d send, provided always,
(And mind, upon this one condition only)
That no external force should be employed
Upon the Italians. They have burst their chains,
Italian irons are gone out of fashion,
The Pope has sold his mangle, and henceforth
Freedom shall wash her Happy Shirts at home.
There is a hitch about the Congress now,
But if it meets, my sentiments are known.
I’ve made a Treaty with the Emperor
For letting in French wines and other things
At a diminished duty – better far
To tap the Frenchman’s claret in that way,
Than bellicosely, and as Mr. Sayers
In April means to try Benicia’s tap.
Spain (urged by France) has blundered into war,
And now is blundering through it, and I trust,
One of these days will blunder out again.
What better things can any country hope,
Whose Sovereign, when she sends her troops to war,
Makes fine new petticoats for holy dolls,
And begs their blessings on her cannon-balls.
Not so I mean to teach Jonh Chinaman,
Who at the Peiho forts repulsed my ships,
That folks had better play no tricks with me.
Our expedition’s getting ready now
(In concert with the French), and it will cook
The Chinese goose right expeditiously.
Touching that stupid question of San Juan,
We might have got into an awkward row,
With Brother Jonathan, had not my men
Behaved with all forbearance.- I believe
That squabble will be pleasantly arranged.
Lord Clyde has trodden out the mutiny
That might have lost me India; and Lord Canning
Walks all about, and with a liberal hand
Showers gold, estates, and honours on the chiefs
Who had the brains to see that we must win.
All is serene in India. With Japan
And Guatemala compacts I have made,
Which, I dare say, will be enormous boons,
But leave it to yourselves to find out why.
‘Tis meet to say that no economy
Dictates, this year, the coming Estimates,
Except that best economy of all,
That spares not pennies when the pounds are stakes.
These islands must be guarded, O my Lords,
So, O my Commons, tumble out the tin.
There’s no excuse for shilly-shally, Sirs,
The revenue is satisfactory.
Lord Melville, the Scotch Baron, is a Pump,
To talk the trash he did about the Rifles.
I, on the contrary, receive with pride
And gratitude the aid they volunteer.
It adds an element to our defences.
So do not heed that Scottish Pump, Lord Melville;
He is a gallant soldier – but you know
A soldier’s not, toujours, a Solomon.
And now, my Lords and Gentlemen, perpend!
You will be shortly asked to give your best
Attention to a measure of Reform.
Amendment and extension are your cues,
I pray you tackle to the task in earnest,
And let’s be quit of that same botheration.
There are some law reforms that need your care-
Bankruptcy and Conveyancing the chief,-
And if, by any wise amalgamation,
You can infuse into the bread called law
Some little leaven that’s called Equity,
It would be very well. Now, I have done.
The nation’s tranquil, crime’s diminishing,
And so is poverty; and everywhere
Loyalty, order, and contentment reign,
For which all thanks unto a Higher Power
Than mine. Be your deliberations blessed!
[Exit Queen, attented by Court. Scene closes.
Back to PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. <<< — >>> Next to Scene II.
